Ask This Question to Get What You Really, Really Want


Today we go on a deep dive to discover what you really, really want, and in the process uncover some of who you really, really are.

Not in a cloistered philosophic way, or even a two-year walkabout, vision-questy kind of way, (though I've done and love both), but more in the  "I can't find my keys. Do you know where I put my keys I'm late?" kind of way, meaning the way you really live it way.

Today you are the subject of what matters, the glorious, inglorious moments of the life you really live.

And because today is also about questions, and lots of them, it's best you have paper and pen in hand, and time to devote when you attempt your dive. 


To discover what you really, really want, and by extension who you really, really are, you have to start with something simple. You have to start with the first layer question of what you want right now, what matters most these days. 


And because this first question can feel big and overwhelming, I find it useful to make the question concrete by giving it a context, like "what matters to me as a parent, or a lover, or friend?" In fact, jot down all the areas in life that matter to you right now, and ask the question for each.

Like this:

  • Parent: "What matters to me most as a parent?" Example: That my kids get all A's, are respectful and independent." 
  • Partner: "What matters to me most in partnership?" Example: That we finish each other's sentences, that we share work fairly and take lots of vacations. 

Two things to remember as you explore. Any judgement about what you write only inhibits the process and has no value at this point, and two, this is just a first, though important, pass. The more detail you include now, the clearer you'll be later.

Once you have your impressive list. There is one more question to ask of it. And that question's why?

Example: "Why is it important to me that my kids get all A's, are respectful and independent?"

You can see we're drilling down. And if you're a bit obsessive, or have nothing to do today, or are at a point in your life where you super need answers, then here's something more to do. Keep asking the same question why for every answer you give.  

Like this: "It's important that my kids get A's so they have a secure future, so their grandparents will be proud and they can get scholarships to school." Why do these things matter to me? "I worry they won't find jobs, I want them to be able to stand on their own, I want my parents to be proud of my parenting, I want them to finally approve of me, I want my kids to be financially independent so I can be financially independent of them, I want an end to my parenting responsibilities, I want to get back to my life, etc."


See why a non-judgmental stance is so important? When you really drill down to what matters and why, you uncover some needs and desires that you might not be so comfortable acknowledging, but totally run the show from afar. You also discover genuine values, like independence, that may be important to you. 


In our next posts you'll learn how to clean up and create order to all that surfaces from your deep dives, but until then, pulling up what you can from the deep should be your main goal.

Diving into the deep to discover what you want and who you are can be an interesting, at times disorienting process, but I'm here to help you get what you need. Feel free to check in on the comment thread below with questions about your process. I get every one of them.

Happy Diving.